Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Issues with Validation...

As an artist (and sensitive soul in general) I've always faced issues with validation, as most of us humans do. When I was younger, it ran my life. There were so many people to please, and in my teens it torn me up inside. It continued into my twenties, and it wasn't until my mid thirties when I rid myself of most of the obligation of pleasing others and the guilt of always disappointing them.

Early on, I felt constantly pulled in every direction but my own. My parents were divorced when I was about seven, and in my teens I split my time between my two parental units, my grandparents, and a boyfriend. They all wanted something different: they each had different expectations and rules which were often in conflict another. Art wasn't available as an escape. I didn't have any escape really. It was just survival mode with a haze of potential personal interests- hints of the future and who I was.

Without going into details, I realized there were certain people in my life who I would never be able to please, and the requirements to make them proud of me were beyond my desires or abilities, and in my late 20s I finally gave up trying to please them. Nothing changed as far as our relationships, but I was no longer burdened with the guilt or the weight of failing them.

Looking back, it's obvious that it wasn't about me, it was about them and their place in the world. Their ideals being misplaced and influenced by their own stress, uncertainties, and dissatisfaction with life. In fact, anyone who tells you not to pursue a dream is usually driven by fear or jealously. They may have your best interest in mind, but they are not coming from an unbiased mindset. What is one person's experience can serve as a lesson or a warning, but not always in the way intended Additionally, what was one person's reality may not be what you end up experiencing. Often naysayers are people who do not even work in your field, or people who have had their own dreams crushed by fear or disapproval. Perhaps they were not strong enough to fight for it, but you are.

My father always encouraged me, and made no demands other than to find happiness. He struggled in life with pain and with money, often giving his talent away which is something I've inherited and am trying to overcome. This stems from wanting to give everyone the chance at happiness and abundance, regardless of status or income. We figure "if I can provide even a tiny ray of sunshine that makes someone's day, the cost to myself can never be too great." But that is a dangerous fallacy. There are costs too great, dire even. We risk financial, emotional, and physical ruin without establishing boundaries or holding others to the same expectations they hold to us to. If we do not respect and love ourselves, how can we expect the same from others?

Up until only a few years ago, I was practically mute. Aside from being a shy introvert, I never opened my mouth unless I had something meaningful or useful to say, and when I did I was often unheard for one reason or another, being constantly vetoed by more dominant voices and personalities who spoke with authority. I bent to that authority, thinking they must have known better than me. Why else would they be so confident? I learned later what a farce that was. Chances are the louder the voice, the less authority that person has to speak on the subject.

What changed for me was feelings of validation. When I went back to college as a 33 year old, I had no idea what kind of student I was going to be. I'd been out of school for 15 years and hadn't done as great as I had wanted back then. I started slow, taking only two classes the first semester and increasing to four in the spring. My grades were good, exceptional actually, and that continued for the remainder of my education earning me a nearly perfect GPA. By sophomore year, I started to realize I wasn't the idiot I thought I was. I realized I had been talked over, trampled on, and overlooked because I had let it happen, not because I was of any less value compared to the others around me. And finally, I had something to say. Now there are times when I don't shut up, and my notebooks are loaded with creative projects to carry out. I've got all this passion to share with anyone who will listen, and I've been able to acquire peers with similar interests, or at least curiosity, that are willing to hear my voice.

This is not to say that the validation of others doesn't still affect me at times. A good example of this is last year's attempt at oil painting again. Just two blog posts back I had been exploring creating an under-painting for a self portrait. I was personally really satisfied by how the under-painting came out (hence why I posted about it), but those close to me said it was "too harsh" or didn't have any encouraging words. I was admittedly discouraged, but still curious so I continued and painted the oil color over it as planned.

I struggled. Getting the skin complexion of a ginger is hard even for the ginger who is painting it. You would think I'd have that figured out by now, but the reality is different. (I get so used to looking at people darker than me that the sight of my own pale visage in the mirror startles me sometimes.) The rest of the work was slow, being held back with my dissatisfaction with the skin. I can't help but think I've been subconsciously held back by the unenthusiastic comments concerning the under-painting I thought I had excelled at. If I didn't like how the (color) painting was turning out, then others certainly wouldn't either, causing me embarrassment and loss of self-esteem.

So it sits unfinished. I've moved on to other projects that will take less time and hopefully less struggle. I've considered redoing the whole thing but in color and in acrylics instead. It's caused me to be less excited about oil painting again, but I still plan to try. Just perhaps on another project.

Overall, however, I'm in a much better mindset than I used to be. I don't care so much what people think of the subject, but I still care about what people think of the craftsmanship or raw skill that goes into something. If a symphony is dissonant but expertly played to me that's much more important than a symphony that is intended to be consonant but poorly done. I cannot please everyone's taste, but I think I can at least earn their respect for the quality of the work. Therefore, I continue on with my own subject preferences no matter how cliche, morbid, unpopular, or discomforting they may be to others. I cannot be something I am not.